Couples and Money: How to Build Trust, Transparency, & Teamwork
Talking about money in relationships isn’t always easy. In fact, it can get messy. But according to Beyond Finance’s Financial Therapists, Dr. Erika Rasure and Nathan Astle, those tough conversations are exactly what can bring couples closer together.
Money Is Messy — And That’s Okay
Astle says: “Everyone has a money story. Everyone has a money history, the way you grew up around money, the way you learned about it, what it meant to you. Sometimes there’s trauma, sometimes stability — but whatever it is, when two people come together, all of that gets doubled.”
Instead of aiming for perfection, Astle encourages us to be compassionate: “Approach both yourself and your relationship with a lot of compassion. There are valid reasons why money feels challenging.”
Why Talking About Money Matters
It might sound obvious, but Astle says one of the most consistent keys to healthier relationships is simple: “Talking about money — often, openly, and with transparency.”
That doesn’t just mean checking the numbers. It also means sharing how money makes you feel, talking about impulse spending, celebrating financial wins, and making sure both partners are looking at the same information. As Astle puts it: “We want the same information so we can use the same playbook as our team member.”
Dr. Rasure agrees: “Transparency equates to an egalitarian playing field where everybody feels a little more equal in the partnership. It helps balance power dynamics and builds intimacy — what I like to call financial intimacy.”
The Power of Financial Intimacy
Surprisingly, talking about money can actually build more connection. Astle explains: “Financial intimacy refers to my partner and I being on the same page with money. We are a team, and that helps us feel closer as we set goals and build a shared life.”
He also warns us not to have any power imbalances: “Just because one partner makes more money doesn’t mean they get to decide what happens with it. We have to value paid and unpaid labor equally. The stay-at-home parent, the partner managing the household, the one working overtime — all of it matters.”
Making Money a Positive Experience
Astle suggests turning money from a stressor into something that strengthens your bond. One way is to schedule “money dates.”
Astle says: “Money dates might sound not-so-fun, but they can make a huge difference! Pair something positive — like a nice meal or an activity you enjoy — with reviewing your finances. Talk about numbers, but also talk about dreams, values, and the future you want together.”
A Practical Tool: Yours, Mine, and Ours
Every couple handles their accounts differently — some prefer a joint account, some separate accounts, some a mix of the two. Astle emphasizes there’s no one right way, but he recommends a simple system:
- Ours: Shared expenses like rent, utilities, groceries, or kids’ needs.
- Mine/Yours: Personal hobbies or interests.
Astle explains: “This balances shared responsibility with individuality. It honors both the ‘we’ and the ‘me’ in the relationship.”
What If You’re Not in a Relationship?
Dr. Rasure reminds us: “You deserve a good relationship with yourself — financial and otherwise.”
Astle adds: “All of these same principles apply to your relationship with yourself. Can you be transparent about your own finances? Can you make money a positive experience, rather than a self-critical one? Can you align your spending with your values? That relationship — the one with yourself — is the longest and most intimate one you’ll ever have.”