Financial Secret Keeping
Each week, our financial therapists, Dr. Erika Rasure and Nathan Astle, host a new client financial wellness session on a salient topic. Recently, our experts spoke on something that comes up a lot for our clients — keeping financial secrets, a topic Astle has addressed in one of his regular Psychology Today features.
We’re sharing direct quotes from this session so you can look at your own situation and …
- Understand the difference between privacy and secrecy
- How to have tough conversations about finances
- Why opening up (even a little) can help you feel less alone
Honesty, Safety, and Finding the Right Words
Dr. Erika Rasure opened the session:
“Financial secret keeping is a very big and important topic — sometimes we keep secrets without knowing necessarily that we’re keeping secrets… We’re going to talk about the differences between secrecy and privacy and really start to define what those secrets are.”
Before definitions, she named the relationships where this matters most:
“To me it’s keeping things from people that we have intimate relationships with… it could be things like hiding your credit card spending or having hidden debt… or lying by omission and not sharing important information.”
What Financial Secret Keeping Looks Like
Astle emphasized that secrecy wears many faces:
“Financial secret keeping doesn’t just look like one thing… maybe I lied about how much something cost or I hid receipts… Either way, I’m purposely trying to keep things from that person.”
It’s also emotionally heavy:
“This is a heavier subject, because secret keeping often comes with a lot of shame, or a lot of guilt. Secret keeping tends to keep us really isolated, and it tends to lead to significant shame. And as we know, shame thrives in that isolation.”
So what’s the ideal?
“We value you being able to have relationships where you are honest and open… where honesty about money is a safe thing… all of us deserve those honest relationships.”
Astle also noted that what transparency looks like depends on your relationship:
“It requires a certain amount of financial transparency. However, you and I can’t decide what that is for other people. I don’t know what everyone’s individual relationships are like.”
Secrecy, Privacy, and Emotional Safety
Dr. Rasure circled back to the foundation:
“When we have intimate relationships, it is so key to build that foundation of trust, that foundation of shared goals. And when we’re keeping secrets from our loved ones, it does erode that emotional safety.”
Why do people hide financial truths, like being in the Beyond Finance program?
“A lot of it has to do with fear of being judged… Some don’t want to share that they’re on this debt journey because they worry someone might judge them: ‘How could you find yourself in this situation?’”
But she emphasized that support matters:
“What we do know is any support you have can really help you emotionally during your debt journey… it helps you resolve those trust issues and also allows this opportunity to create even a deeper sense of trust or intimacy when you can be vulnerable and share your authentic self.”
When you’re not ready to disclose everything, you can still speak truth and set boundaries:
“One of the things Nate and I recommend is sharing that you’re making financial progress… You are doing what you need to do to make yourself a priority. That is not a financial secret — it puts you in a position where you can set a boundary that you’re comfortable with.”
Scripts That Make Sharing Safer
Astle offered a practical way to invite someone in, without asking them to fix anything:
“‘Hey, partner, friend, sister. I need some support and I need to tell you about something. What I really need from you now is just to listen as best you can… some emotional support, some hugs.’”
Setting expectations like that can help others respond in a way that you need. You can also alter more expensive traditions without oversharing:
“Maybe I usually throw a Halloween party and I still want to do that, but it’s going to be more like potluck style so that I can save a little bit.”
Finally, you can reframe the way you think about sharing information:
“I like the idea of framing it like I’m inviting someone into a part of my life so that I can be less alone in it, because a problem shared is a problem halved.”
You’re Not the Only One
Dr. Rasure spoke to the loneliness many feel:
“We don’t talk about money when things are good. So why would we talk about it when it’s not so good? Being in debt can be a very isolating experience.”
And she named the tough, human scenarios people carry in silence:
“Maybe you were the victim of a romance scam or you’ve had a bit of an overspending issue and you’ve been keeping that from your partner… You might worry they’ll blow up. We can’t necessarily control somebody else’s reactions, but what we can do is be thoughtful and intentional in the way we invite them into our world.”
Her reminder about self-trust is simple and powerful:
“You do know what’s best. And it takes a little bit of work to start trusting yourself to be able to do hard things… If you look back on all of the hard things you’ve overcome, you have a 100% success rate.”
And finally, about support:
“Nothing is ‘stupid.’ Nothing is ‘dumb.’ We’re all humans walking this journey. We’re not doing it alone.”
Closing Thought
Financial secrets grow in the dark. Privacy is your right; secrecy is what shrinks your world. As Astle put it:
“All of us deserve honest relationships.”
And as Dr. Rasure encouraged:
“You are making financial progress and you can set a boundary that you’re comfortable with.”
When you’re ready, invite someone into your financial life — on your terms — so you don’t have to carry it alone.