Your Relationship with “Stuff” (Material and Emotional)
Our homes tell stories — about safety, scarcity, nostalgia, joy, and sometimes shame.
In a recent client Financial Wellness session, our financial therapists, Dr. Erika Rasure and Nathan Astle, explored how our emotional attachments to “stuff” shape our spending, our spaces, and our financial well-being.
We share their wisdom here, as well as some actionable steps to take to start allowing your things to align with your values!
Stuff Is Never Just Stuff
Dr. Rasure set the stage:
“Here’s what we mean by ‘our relationship with our stuff is really the attachments we have to the things in our lives’ — the way we choose to surround ourselves in our environments with things can really inform the choices we make with our finances.”
Astle connected those attachments to lived experience:
“All of us have a very deep emotional connection with our money… Financial trauma often comes from a place of scarcity — ‘there’s not enough, so I have to collect, hoard, or spend while I have it.’ That informs our beliefs about money and the things we buy with our money.”
He normalized a common response:
“One very common response to financial trauma is physical hoarding: collecting stuff we think we might use but realistically don’t. It’s more common than people think.”
Name the Emotion Beneath the Object
To work with our attachment, Dr. Rasure instructed us to first notice what an item represents:
“A lot of this starts with being able to evaluate your emotional attachment to material things… ‘Why am I attached to these things?’ Often our attachment comes from emotional needs like security, status, or nostalgia.”
Once you identify the need, you can meet it more intentionally:
“When you know what an item represents emotionally, you can work on fulfilling that feeling in other ways that don’t compromise your financial values.”
And do it without shame. Astle added:
“Having a messy house doesn’t define you, and getting it clean doesn’t define you either. The question is: how do we take care of the wonderful parts of you?”
Move Beyond “Needs vs. Wants” Shame
Astle called out an important trap to keep an eye out for:
“The ‘needs versus wants’ conversation often leads to judgment and shame. It’s hard not to end up telling yourself you shouldn’t want something.”
Dr. Rasure reframed it with discernment and a practical example:
“Needs are what keep the lights on and food in our bellies. We still have wants, and that’s normal. The magic is in choosing your battles. Sometimes paying a dollar more for the thing you’ll actually enjoy and use prevents waste and supports consistency.”
Astle added some balance:
“On a debt journey, we can pendulum-swing into ‘I can’t enjoy anything.’ It’s important to have things that bring joy. Just ask if this thing brings the short-term pleasure and the longer-term feeling you’re seeking.”
“Hell Yes” or “Hell No” (and Why the Middle Is Exhausting)
Dr. Rasure shared a simple rule to reduce decision fatigue:
“If you’re on the fence, that’s a red flag. I like to ask: is this a hell yes or a hell no? If it’s not a clear ‘yes’ (and affordable) it’s a ‘no’ for now.”
Astle touched on why this is so important:
“When we’re in the middle, we get decision paralysis. ‘Hell yes or hell no’ moves us forward and reinforces that you are worth ‘hell yes’ experiences.”
Letting Go Without Guilt
Astle explained why a gentle goodbye can help release the shame:
“If you feel guilty letting go of something you bought, it’s okay to thank it: ‘Thanks for what you gave me then; I don’t need you now.’ It helps you let go of the item and the guilt.”
For sentimental items, he told us to keep the experience, not necessarily the object:
“The thing itself doesn’t change the fact that you had the experience. Find ways to honor the experience — journal a memory, capture what you learned, then donate or return it if that aligns with your values.”
Redefine “Wealth” Through How You Use Things
Dr. Rasure shared that in her own life, books became a metaphor for value and intention:
“Sometimes a book isn’t what you expected — that reflection can change how you interact with purchases. The library helps me be more intentional; if a book truly belongs in my collection, then I buy it.”
And Astle added that values create tradeoffs you can live with:
“Ask what you value, and what you can give up. I value space! Visual clutter makes me uncomfortable, so I challenge myself: does keeping this align with what I value?”
Start Small (Really Small)
Astle shared that a tiny starting point builds momentum:
“If your home feels overwhelming, start with your sock drawer or one kitchen drawer. Lay it out, decide, and move on. Next day, another drawer. That’s how big change happens.”
Finally Dr. Rasure summed up the spirit of this action:
“Declutter with intention. Align your choices with your financial values, notice your triggers, celebrate small wins, and remember: you’re already showing up for yourself by thinking about this at all.”
Overall Takeaway
Your relationship with stuff is a mirror of your emotions, needs, and values. When you notice the feeling beneath the purchase, reduce shame, and choose intentionally — one drawer, one decision, one “hell yes” at a time — you make your money and your space work for the person you’re becoming.
Try This This Week
- Name the need. Pick one item you’ve been unsure about and ask, “What feeling does this represent (security, status, nostalgia, comfort)?”
- Apply “hell yes / hell no.” For one pending purchase (or one thing in your closet) decide today. If it’s not a clear yes you can afford, it’s a ‘no’ for now.
- Release with gratitude. Let go of one lukewarm item and say, “Thank you for what you gave me then.”
- Protect one joy. Choose one small, budget-aligned thing that genuinely brings you joy and enjoy it — shame-free!